Personally I really hate this actually, but I'll still keep it around for some time on newgrounds atleast, because I'm not that known on here anyway

I mean I'm not suicidal but if anything would happen then DAMN that would be perfect

Like dw I'm really alright (rather not) but any accident that could happen would be in favour (this is a cry for help, even though weird to do that here)

I often think that professional help wouldn't do anything though, because in the end the situation still hasn't changed.

When I was younger I never really thought "Hey, time to be a guy now", I just remember a few very small occasions of where I thought what it would've been like to grow up as boy, but didn't think much more of it, possibly just curiosity? Otherwise I grew up liking things such as pink, glitter, dolls (VERY MUCH including the barbie franchise), wearing dresses, etc., you get the idea. Around age 10 - 12 things changed though. I hit puberty, my body started changing and I wasn't very comfortable with it, but thought "this is normal, you just gotta accept it, this is you now, you can't change it".

Until I stumbled across the Queer Community online, and even though I was usually grossed out by homosexual/transgender people just simply existing, I slowly started to learn and accept them (also mainly because I had a big circle of online mutuals who came out, and I thought giving up those connections for something as small as that isn't worth it).

Later on I started questioning myself, as I didn't feel very comfortable in my appearance, but not just because of insecurities, but also because I looked like a girl, and my name that was given to me at birth also bothered me, not because it's bad, I think it's a very pretty name, but it's just not a name fitting for me. I stood in front of the mirror and experimented with ways to appear more masculine, and felt more comfortable when I looked more androgynous. I was too afraid to ever tell it anyone I knew in rl, I didn't have any close friends anyway, so I spread it around online. I went by they/them online and my old username, and I started to feel more comfortable, but it still wasn't right. I was getting closer but it just wasn't the right thing yet. Until I started to experiment with He/They, and actually also picked up a more fitting name that would've been accepted in rl, and I felt so comfortable for the first time, I didn't change anything on my appearance because I was too scared, but was happy to atleast go online and pretend to be a guy, or it wasn't just pretending anymore, I WAS a guy. I also had pretty long and curly hair and it was hard to take care of, but I didn't really try anyway because I was so tired constantly and doing anything was a big and tiring task, and I didn't go to a hairdresser several years because I had really bad social anxiety aswell. It weighted down on me, it was long, damaged, didn't look good, I'd try to hide it sometimes to look more boyish, until one time I found the courage to finally cut it all off. I didn't shave it, just cut it a bit shorter than shoulder length, but I felt much better afterwards. I finally felt a little more comfortable.

Despite me talking the entire time about how I'm a guy, I still like feminine things, I think they look cute/pretty. It made me question my gender more, thinking that maybe I'm genderfluid or something like that since I sometimes enjoy being more masculine and sometimes more feminine, but I quickly realised that the entire time I said that I'm fully a guy was the time I felt the most comfortable and that me being referred to as girl causes me a bunch of distress. Turns out I just like feminine things and while cis guys already have troubles to be accepted as real guys if they don't fit 100% in, it feels even worse for me/other trans guys.

I am 18 now, it's been years since I've first started to question my sexuality/gender, I'm still figuring things out, but planning on transitioning around age 21, as I have more plans in life and want to be financially stable/be independent first before risking my current job/home.

If you've taken your time to read everything through, I'm thanking you for your attention.

SO actually I doing better rn (kind off ig)

Stuff is still shit and it sucks and I just wanna be permanently gone BUT uh

Actually I don't even know why I'm still here

Like idk there's like a part of me that wants to keep going (even though there's no point)

And yeahhhhhhh I'm gonna do furry art now

TW: Suicide ig

.

It feels weird to put a warning, but still using one for the people who'd need it

I don't feel comfortable in my own skin, I don't think I'm horrendous ugly, more just average, which is fine, but I'm not me

And will never be

No matter what'll happen

If I can't be myself, I don't really wanna be anyone, I've been repeating the same thing over and over, but each day death seems like a comfortable option that would be better for everyone else, and myself

I don't have any plans/intentions at the moment.

But if I stop appearing anywhere, then you can guess why.

Idk idk I honestly just wanna stop caring about others and do whatever I want, as long as it's not hurting others it's fine, if it's harming me then it wouldn't matter either because it's my thing that I'm doing,

Kinda art dump/motivational (?) thing idk

I have to practice some stuff on art more

Idk about putting this on the front page or if it's too edgy for that, but at the same time this is newgrounds, so kinda the definition of edgy

Sooo I'm planning on starting off with commissions (still have to set shit up but I'm trying to work on it) and wanted to ask if there's anyone interested if I did

Hello